24 & Processing
“I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.”
- Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in wonderland & through the looking glass
I must have read this quote a few times as a child. It may have been lost on me then, but certainly not now. Now, as in the past few days, I have been thinking about this line. It seems to resonate with where I believe I am right now, as a 24-year-old in 2023. As a filmmaker and writer. As a human trying to navigate life on their own, as I'm sure we each are.
Something I'm beginning to understand now is that we are not just one thing. We are not just the labels we like to give ourselves, we are not simply the job titles we hold. We are so many things at once and at every interchangeable moment. And I'm starting to be okay with that. Travelling has definitely forced me to be less rigid with plans, labels and identity. Travel has taught me just how fluid life actually is. It's also proved to me just how lost we each are. I say lost, but really I mean adrift. I remember as a teenager I would look at those around me and think wow “you all know what you are doing”, but as I age I see that the vail softly slips away from everyone I meet. And it's a reassuring thing in this day and age to know you aren't the only one who feels this way.
I have no idea if any of that made sense or if it will resonate with anyone who may read this, but this is me sharing, me trying to contribute to the world and others. I'm contributing through this blog with the hope that what I share may take a hold of someone out there and maybe make someone feel seen. And who knows maybe what I share might turn out to be quite interesting, and if not I apologise in advance. This is my first blog, and I feel it's turning into a disclaimer. But please do understand that reading this may or may not be a waste of time, it's just what you make of it.
Within what I share here, expect a lot of talk of hopes and dreams, a lot of talk about work that currently inspires me, including; films, music, art etc. I’ll share a bit about my life, my work, my travel experiences and occasionally my somewhat neurotic thoughts.
So 24 and processing… Why is this the title? Well, a good friend and I share the philosophy of ‘processing’. We need a lot of time and attention to process things, events, feelings etc. I'd say we are somewhat sensitive souls, so we like to allow ourselves time to understand and filter through what we have encountered in life at various intervals. This post is helping me to do that, but also I am currently writing to you from a remote place I’ve been staying on my own in Connecticut, USA. I think sometimes stillness and quiet and being alone is medicine and helps to come to terms with where you currently are in life.
I am currently 24, currently travelling and planning to visit home soon. I’ve been travelling for the past 7 months and I’m feeling ready to take a pause and see the people I love again. I’m also working on expanding my film and writing careers and just living as an artist full-time. I’ll let you know how that goes, I'm sure. But I'm very much looking forward to going back to England, the distance has truly made the heart grow fonder. And I definitely need time to ‘process’ everything that has happened over the last 7 months as it's been a vast expanse of challenges, triumphs, growth, love and learning. So far I'm enjoying just how unpredictable this year has been, and we are only halfway through.
Before I close out, I do want to share some thoughts on age. I know I'm one year early for my quarter-life crisis, but I've undoubtedly been feeling some age angst and judgment. Mostly self-judgment that I've created and partially downloaded from life I guess. But I was under the illusion that 20-something-year-olds had their lives together. But from meeting many people my age when travelling and even my friends back home we all seem to share this ‘surprise’ over not feeling like the life puzzle is complete. Instead, it's more like the life puzzles have been burnt to ashes and we are all now shown the truth that no one has managed to pop it all in place. We are all just specs of dust navigating this life as best we can, without a map or puzzle pieces in sight. And it's almost like none of us can decide just how old or young people are. I’ve spoken to many people older than me recently and I'm bombarded with two opposing statements, that I'm either so young , “a baby” they would call me at the age of 24. Or they tend to say things like “at your age I had my own apartment etc” which sounds like “you should have your life a bit more together by now” at the age of 24. These conflict, for sure, and I don’t think it's healthy to blindly compare yourself with others especially when you don’t know the circumstances around them. Also, 24 in the 1970s is very different to 24 in 2023. In situations where I've been told I’m either “a baby” or a “failing” 24-year-old as I don't own a home, I like to think of an Italian saying which is “never count your birthdays”. Wouldn't that be freeing, not adding a number but just noticing and celebrating the fact you are still alive?
Recently I saw a small clip online of a woman discussing age (unfortunately I forgot to save it, but when I find it I will share it on Instagram) she said that “you never know how young or old you are because we're counting from our day of birth, but really your age is based upon the date you die.” And since we don't know that date you never know if you are old or young. Some of us die moments after we are born and some die over a 100 years beyond our day of birth. So if you don't know which you are, you can't compare age only experience I guess. I can determine I have a lot more life experience than some 24-year-olds and extremely less life experience than other 24-year-olds. So shouldn't we each decide for ourselves where we fall? And that can change depending on the circumstance. For example, in my career, I'm extremely young, I'm just getting started. In friends and family, I would lie in middle-aged, I've had many friendships and familial relationships and experiences but I know I have more ahead. Time isn't linear, life isn't. We just make it seem that way for logical minds.
I've realised very recently that I have an overworked logical mind. Here comes the processing part again. I've experienced an awful lot of things in a small amount of time. I’ve experienced leaving home, moving to a new country, the trials and tribulations of new relationships and friendships, the failure in job searching, the failure in house searching, I've experienced the loss of life in front of my own eyes, I've experienced the great kindness of strangers and the overwhelming love of those who have known me for years. I've lived with grief, fear, happiness, joy, great inspiration and the total lack of any hope, let alone the space to feel inspired at all. It's been a minute. And even as I write I am experiencing discomfort in vulnerability. Yet another experience to add to the belt. And this is a huge thing at 24 I’m relearning, how to be vulnerable and when and to whom.
So I’m opening up a window here. I often have a tendency to guard myself from social media but I’m trusting and hoping that the courage of sharing earnestly will prevail and deliver me where I need to be and where I need to grow. I hope for grace in the eyes of others and I hope for grace for you all who are reading this.
We are just specs of dust floating in the universe attempting to make the ‘time’ we are here mean something.
Be gentle to yourselves out there.
NN.
